


Days

by Kadma32



Series: Our Future [6]
Category: God's Own Country (2017)
Genre: Adoption, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, Puberty, Puberty and related issues, Slice of Life, implied child trauma, mentioning of discriminatory language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29401329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kadma32/pseuds/Kadma32
Summary: Johnny and Gheorghe are faced with the challenges of parenthood.
Relationships: Gheorghe Ionescu/Johnny Saxby
Series: Our Future [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045542
Comments: 40
Kudos: 50





	1. First Day of School

**Author's Note:**

> Please note English is not my first language and this work is unbetaed. 
> 
> I am having too much fun working with the boys and their lives XD
> 
> I am thinking of this new part of the series as a collection of chapters based on the idea of "firsts", so the first chapter is Michael's first day of school, the next one will be about Gheorghe facing some not so friendly parent a school and so on :)
> 
> Do let me know what you think, I appreciate any feedback to improve my writing skills :)

Johnny had never liked school. From the uniform, to the stupid teachers to the bullies, it was just ridiculous to cram kids of all sorts together in a classroom and expect them to sing kumbaya, all happy happy and stuff. 

That day, that warm 4th September, he had a new reason to hate school: it was Michael’s first day at the new place, the village Church of England school where Johnny himself had gone. 

Johnny looked at the rear-view mirror as he drove Michael to the building. Gheorghe had wanted to come, but there had been an emergency with old Betsy during the night and he was still there with the vet. Johnny wished Betzy was alright, but she could have really, really, really picked another night to be sick. 

He looked back again for a moment, checking on his son. Michael had that little, resigned face he put on everytime he was told to do something that, deep down, he really didn’t want to do. 

It made their life easier, for sure, Robyn had told him as much, saying how lucky they were that Michael never complained when they told him it was time for a bath, or that he needed to finish his broccolo. Yet Johnny would have liked him to pull a tantrum and shout a bit more. 

And then there had been that horrible instance when, one August afternoon, Michael had been playing with his ball in the living room and, by accident, had crashed a frame with a picture of the wedding that Deirdre had insisted on putting on the side table. 

Johnny and Gheorghe had found him later, back up in his room, rocking himself up and down while clutching his teddy. They sat on either side of him and even if Johnny’s heart had cracked a little, they kept on talking to him, soothing little words that nobody was going to shout at him, that it was ok, they were going to get a new frame, that he just needed to go out of the garden for playing with his ball, nothing more. 

But Johnny didn’t want to think back on it. 

Maybe, if Michael was lucky, he was going to meet his own Robyn, to keep him sane. If it was up to him they would have kept him home, but Gheorghe then made him see sense that they couldn’t stay home to look after Michael’s education and it wasn’t fair to expect Deirdre to look after Martin and Michael at the same time. 

Well, whatever. He parked the car. The bloody building was actually quite nice, surrounded by gardens and trees. But they had trees at the farm too, and they even had animals to pet and all…

Concentrate Johnny. 

‘Come on Michael, we are here’ he said, opening the back door. 

Michael shuffled out of the car and took Johnny’s hand.   
‘I’m not going to lie to you’ Johnny said. Michael was little, but both Johnny and Gheorghe had agreed that Michael deserved to always be told the truth. Hopefully, that was going to help dealing with some of the wounds in his past. 

‘It might look scary’ he continued, as they got closer to the school gates. There were so many kids, there got to be Michael’s robyn there too, right? 

‘But it will be ok, you will have fun, don’t worry’ 

‘Grandma gave me a lucky pebble’ he said, taking from his pocket a little, shiny black pebble. Johnny smiled. He remembered a similar pebble given to him as a lucky charm. He had never said anything to anybody, but he still had it, hidden away in his wallet. 

‘See? So you are all covered’ ok, maybe a couple of white lies here and there would hurt. 

They were at the school gates now.

Damn, was this meant to hurt that much? Was it just because everything was still so new between Johnny, Gheorghe and Michael or was it normal to feel one’s heart filled with pride, fear, love and crippling anxieties all at the same time? 

‘Will you come back for me?’ Michael said suddenly. 

What? 

While other families and kids were walking all around them, shouting, singing and giggling, Johnny kneeled down to be at the same height as his son. 

‘I will always come back for you. Your dad Gheorghe will always come back for you. And we will have cookies and play with Lego. You don’t have to worry’ Michael finally looked up. His lower lip had stopped quivering. 

‘Ok’ Micahel said, taking one more step and hugging him. 

School had one chance to make it up to Johnny. Time would tell if it would stand up to the challenge.


	2. The first day you called me "dad"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gheorghe rushes to collect Michael from school after a strange phone call saying that his son has been involved in a fight with a new kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note English is not my first language and this work in unbetaed. 
> 
> Also, please note that, in reference to this chapter, I added the tag "mentioning of discriminatory language", mostly to cover for the appearance of a certain word that Johnny himself mentions in the movie. Anyway, I hope not to offend anybody, so I am warning you now :)
> 
> Please also note (and I promise this is the last thing you need to notice XD) that this chapter is set two years after the previous one. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this new chapter. Let me know what you think, any feedback is as always very welcomed :) Also, if anybody has any prompts or things they might like to see in these next few chapters, do let me know.

The more Gheorghe tried to imagine what had happened, the more he couldn’t work it out. 

Last time they had met with Michael’s teachers, they had all said how he was a great kid, that he was still clearly going through a lot, but he had made a lot of progress. They said that he was clever, and that they were happy to see that he had made friends with David Ogundana, the kid of the couple who had moved to the village to escape city-living in Bradford, which apparently was getting rougher and rougher. Michael was not incredibly chatty, but he had said that David was nice and that he liked playing with him, so that was enough for Gheorghe. Now that he thought about it, why hadn’t they invited David for a playdate yet? Did they still do play dates at the age of seven? 

So that phone call had come as a surprise. The teacher had said that Michael had been in a fight with a new kid and they wanted the parents to come and have a chat. How was he going to deal with this? He had somehow managed to convince Johnny to stay back at the farm and continue to work, which was a miracle, because he had already seen how he was getting more and more serious looking. Gheorghe had been very worried he was just going to arrive at the school and start shouting or causing an almighty scene, and that was not what anybody needed. Not Michael, that was for certain, but also not them. 

Well, one thing at a time. He needed to get to Michael and see what had happened because something had to have gone spectacularly wrong for Michael to react like that. 

He entered in the building and found a cheery receptionist at the entrance who told him to sign the visitor book and gave him a pass before telling him to go up the stairs, down the corridor and he was going to find the headmistress’ office. 

‘Thank you’ he said, before rushing on his way without looking as rushed as he felt. 

As he went up the stairs, a woman walked down, a little boy, perhaps a little taller than Michael, was just in front of her, holding the handrail. Gheorghe couldn’t remember either of them. Not that he remembered all the kids and all parents in Michael’s group but still…  
Was she the mother of the new kid?   
The woman stopped and looked at him for a moment, probably thinking the same.

‘Excuse me, are you Michael’s father?’ she said, batting her pretty eyelids at him. 

‘Yes, I’m so sorry, am I late?’ he said, immediately checking his watch but he was straight on time, he had found the roads all clear and…

‘Ah, so you are the Romanian one’ she said, smiling. 

Gheorghe immediately grew more serious. 

God, he had been in the UK now for years, and he still sometimes couldn’t tell if someone was going all, what was it, passive aggressive on him or not. That comment was technically harmless, he was, after all, the “Romanian one”. 

And yet, that pointing things out was annoying.

‘I am a British citizen madame’ Gheorghe said, with the most relaxed tone he could master. Not that she needed to know his immigration status or whatever. 

‘Of course, of course’ she replied, nodding.

Some British people had that horrible way about themselves to make you feel so small. And, well, so foreign, even if you had done everything you possibly could do to prove anyone wrong. 

To prove to them that you wanted to be considered in the community.

‘Anyway, we can’t stay, Will has a dentist appointment. But we might sort this another time, perhaps we can arrange another chat or something, whenever it’s more convenient for your schedule’

She seemed to stress the word “schedule” a lot. Maybe he was reading too much into what the woman was saying, and yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was implying that his job, his work on the farm maybe was not as important as, well, judging by the well looked and manicured hands, some kind of white collar role. Or maybe a hostess? 

God, he hated how those kinds of meetings, those moments when his foreignness was called forward again, made him still super paranoid. 

But he had more important things to worry about right there and then. 

‘Goodbye, it was very nice to meet you’ he said

‘Likewise’ she said, flashing a perfect smile before leading Will out of the school. 

Gheorghe rushed up. Michael was still sitting there, on a little chair on the side of the imposing desk in the headmistress’ office, his face expressionless until he saw Gheorghe coming in. 

‘Good afternoon, Mr. Ionescu I suppose’ 

‘Yes’ Gheorghe said, stopped on his tracks towards his son by the stern voice of the headmistress. Yet, his eyes were still on Michael, checking immediately for any signs of any physical problems, any traces left by whatever “fight” he had been involved in. 

Nothing, Michael, at least to that brief assessment, was perfectly physically sound, note even a scratch. Thank goodness. 

‘Mr. Ionescu’ the headmistress called again. Finally, Gheorghe turned and saw a woman that, for a moment, reminded him of his mother, with her salt and pepper hair in an elegant tail and a warm smile. The only main difference was the big, thick, tortoise shell glasses covering half her face. She moved her head in a small, nodding gesture before stretching her hand to him. Gheorghe, silently, moved to shake it. 

‘I am Mrs Bather, but you can call him Jackie. I believe I met your husband before’ she said. 

‘Yes, I am sorry, we can’t often take time off at the same time’

‘I realise that. I come from a farming family too’ she said. Her lips stretched a little, very imperceptibly, in that very middle age English lady style, which taught you not to show too many emotions if you could help it. But her eyes did smile with her too. So far, she seemed much more genuine than the other one and Gheorghe felt himself relax. 

‘Take a seat’ she said, gesturing one of the two chairs right in front of her wide desk. 

‘I am so sorry to call you about this’ 

‘I am sorry’ Gheorghe replied, scrubbing the palms of his hands on his legs. 

What the hell was he sorry for? He thought to himself. It had become such an automatic reaction for certain things that it just came naturally. 

‘What has happened?’ 

The woman sighed. 

‘I believe that Michael and Will, our newest students, had a divergence of opinion on some rather important topics’

‘What topics?’ Gheorghe asked. He was starting to get a little unnerved. They were seven-year olds, what important topics could they be discussing? Did this boy have a new toy Michael wanted? He had heard that it could be a cause of tension at school. He made a mental memo to ask his mother if that had been the case with him too and if there was anything he could do to help. 

‘Michael, do you want to explain to your father what you told me?’ she asked, with a gentler voice. 

Michael for a moment was perfectly still, just looking down at a spot on the pavement.

Then, after what looked like a long deliberation in his head, he looked up and shook his head no. 

Gheorghe took a deep breath, keeping his face as still as he could while a slight sense of panic was rising in his stomach. 

His son didn’t want to talk to him. 

What was he to do now?

The headmistress thought smiled, almost as if nothing had happened, and said:   
‘As Will and his mother couldn’t stay today, I would suggest perhaps you both go home and maybe have a little chat. We can rearrange a meeting for another time’ 

Gheorghe nodded as he stood up and shook the headmistress’ hand to say goodbye. He was glad she didn’t say or ask anything else, because he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to answer her as, in his mind, the words “my son doesn’t want to talk to me” kept on circling in his mind. 

He could deal with all sorts of physical hurts. He could heal lamb and sheep and he had taken a first aid course before the adoption, just to be on the safe side. He had even managed to get Johnny to open, and that had been one difficult, yet rewarding, task. 

But how do you get a child to talk to you? 

The answer came naturally. You do so with love and patience, just like everything else. 

Swallowing his own anxiety, he stretched out his hand to take Michael’s and they walked out of the office and then toward the school’s exit. 

It was right when they were both sat in the car that, almost making Gheorghe’s heart jump out of his skin, Michael said: 

‘There is a new kid in class’ 

Calm. Patience. And breathe. 

‘Yes. I think I met him’ 

‘He is not nice’ Michael said. Despite himself, Gheorghe smiled. It was quite funny how Michael had started to be quite cutting with those judgements he sometimes dropped on things. Perhaps they should have taught him to turn them down a little, like when he said that pineapples were gross, but they had decided to let him be for now, as they were far too happy that he was finally starting to mention his own preferences and ideas. 

‘Unfortunately, sometimes it happens to meet people we don’t like much’ Gheorghe said. He was driving as slowly as he could get away with, hoping that he could get to the bottom of what had happened with Will before they were home.

‘He made David cry’ 

‘How?’ Gheorghe said, risking it. 

‘I don’t know, he said that David was…. he said a word...I didn’t understand it’ 

Gheorghe froze. David was a boy of colour. Could Will, at his age, already know that word? 

And, well, if he knew that word, he surely had heard it at home. What other words had that kid heard?

‘And when I told him to stop, he said that I am a dirty gypo, because you are a dirty gypo’ 

And there it was. Wow. He had always suspected that they were going to have to address that at some point, he had just not expected that to happen so soon. 

‘So, when he said that, I pushed him. And then he pushed me. But I think I won because I scratched him’ Michael said, with a faint vein of amusement in his voice. 

Was it bad of Gheorghe to feel pride in what Michael said? No, surely not, as long as he made it clear that violence is not the right way to deal with things like that. 

‘What is a gypo, dad?’ 

It was a very good thing that Gheorghe was the safer driver between the two of them, because, right there and then, when his eyes felt prickly, only his driving skills allowed him to continue on their way home safe and sound. 

That was the first time Michael had called him dad. 

The social worker had said not to push it, that it was going to come at some point, they just needed to give it time for it to be as natural as possible to Michael.

He suspected it had already happened to Johnny, the two of them seemed so close, sharing a bond based on a common understanding of what childhood wounds are like. 

But now there it was. Michael had called him, Gheorghe Ionescu, dad. He needed to make not a big deal out of this, otherwise Michael could get spooked. And the boy was waiting for an answer after all. 

‘We talked about how there are some words that you shouldn’t use because they can hurt someone, do you remember?’ 

He didn’t hear an answer, but he knew that sometimes Michael just quietly nodded.

‘Sometimes some of these words are used to make fun of where people come from, making them feel different, small and wrong because others want to make themselves feel strong and powerful’

‘That’s horrible’ 

Gheorghe smiled. A wave of pride washed over him. 

‘It is. That word the boy says meant that I am not originally from here, and it comes with very bad connotation. When people use that word very often they are saying that you are a thief, a lazy criminal or some sort’ he said, as he gripped the steering wheel.  
He saw his knuckles turn whiter. 

He hated that word. For a moment, he wished the insane wish to be God and wipe all those words, for any community of any shapes, colours and sizes away from the world. 

‘But you are not a thief’ Michael said, his voice sounded confused. 

Gheorghe smiled. God, if adults were more like children, the world would maybe be a better place to live. 

‘No. But I am not from here. You can hear that I don’t sound like your dad Johnny’ 

‘Yes, but I like that’ Michael replied. 

Gheorghe looked through the rear-view mirror. Michael was looking at him, slightly puzzled. 

‘One day I will bring you where I am from. Would you like that?’ 

‘Yes’. 

When they arrived back at the farm, Gheorghe left Michael with Deirdre, who had promised the child a cheeky snack before dinner later and went in search of Johnny, who apparently was still working with the beasts. 

As Gheorghe entered the building, Johnny immediately dropped everything he was doing. 

‘What happened? Where is Michael?’ he said, eyes wide. 

‘He is with Deirdre, having a little snack and a chit chat. I believe there are some cartoons on telly he wanted to watch’ Gheorghe said, taking time. 

How was he going to approach this? How was Johnny going to take it? Will’s family was a problem, but they couldn’t go guns blazing and all. 

Also, was the mentioning of the “word” going to trigger Johnny’s memories? 

‘Nothing too scary, actually, in a way, it was quite sweet, apparently there is a new kid at school that mocked David, Michael’s friend, and Michael stood up for him’ 

Johnny smiled. With time, Johnny had learnt to smile and laugh more and more, and yet, for as much as it was turning into a more common occurrence, it still made Gheorghe’s heart skip a bit. 

‘Anything else?’ Johnny asked. 

‘Apparently the kid called Michael a gypo, because I am a gypo’ Gheorghe said. There was no point beating around the bush. 

Johnny’s eyes grew wider. Gheorghe watched him as his gaze moved quickly from one point to the next, as if he was trying to find some sense, some answer, somewhere around the cows. 

Then he lifted his eyes up again to lock them with Gheorghe’s eyes.

‘We need to speak with Peter’ 

‘Peter who?’

‘The policeman. This behaviour is unacceptable. This is discrimination and’

Gheorghe stepped forward and put both hands on Johnny’s shoulders. 

‘And it wouldn’t do anything. I don’t think Peter can arrest a seven-year-old for repeating his adults’ words’ 

‘But he can speak with the adults themselves. Or the headmistress can, why hasn’t she? I thought she seemed competent and stuff’

‘I think she will. She did say there will be another meeting with Will’s parents’ 

‘Where they are just going to be all nice and sweet and all British about it’ Johnny replied. Gheorghe felt Johnny’s shoulders tense under his hands. 

‘I am sorry anyway’ Johnny said. 

‘Don’t need to be sorry, John. We knew this was going to come at some point. It was a toss between my foreignness or Michael having two fathers. The important thing is that we prepare him to face these challenges and not to be weighed down by them. In the short term though, I think I have an idea to maybe help things’ 

‘What did you have in mind?’ Johnny said, frowning. 

‘Well, I learnt through experience that some of these preconceptions that people have might be smoothed over by people knowing one another better. So, maybe, we could organise for Michael’s class to come over for a day to the farm. See how a farm works and all’

‘I don’t think that would help the kid’s parents’ Johnny said, sounding bitter. 

‘Maybe not. But maybe it will help the kid’ 

‘We can try’ rolling his eyes. 

‘But I still think that calling Peter is a better idea’.

Gheorghe smiled. Slowly, he moved his hands to cup Johnny’s neck. 

‘There is something else I didn’t tell you’

‘Spit it out’ 

‘He called me dad for the first time’ 

And just like that all those concerns about those stupid, xenophobic people disappeared. 

Johnny’s smile reappeared a moment before his British husband kissed him.


	3. The first day I shared my darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny and Gheorghe share a moment with Michael, after his best friend asks him a difficult question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy :)

The school trip was a success. Johnny wasn’t entirely sure if it reached Gheorghe’s aim to “educate” that kid, Will or whatever his name was, but both the teachers and the children seemed to have a good time and Johnny had managed not to stumble on his words (not even once!) when he was presenting to the children some of the machineries and processes….although, understandably, they were mostly excited about the cows, sheep and lambs. 

Johnny had asked for a show of hands to choose who wanted to feed the lambs and it just so happened that David, Michael's friend, was the fastest at lifting his hand (no, he was definitely an impartial judge-what do you mean the girl Gretchen, the one with the pigtails, had been faster?). 

It had been quite sweet to see then Michael tell him all he knew about lambs and sheep and how to care for them. Johnny was sure that David had listened to Michael much more than to him.

So yes, all in all, after all the organizational effort that went into it and a fair few worried looks from Deirdre, who wasn’t very convinced that it was a good idea, everybody agreed that the trip was a success and Johnny and Gheorghe were suddenly quite popular among the rest of the parents.

After the trip, David stayed to sleep over at the farm. 

Johnny had smiled when, after a dinner when both kids seemed to keep strangely quiet, he heard them giggling away as he passed near Michael’s room. 

He knocked on the door and the giggling stopped immediately. 

‘Everything alright in there?’

‘Yes dad’ 

‘Need anything?’ Johnny replied, finding the exchange quite amusing. 

‘No dad’ 

‘Remember that you still need to go to school tomorrow’ Johnny said, imagining that it was not going to be easy to get Michael ready the day after. He was still only seven, and yet it was already clear that he was not a morning person. 

‘Yes dad’ Michael said again, and Johnny heard David giggling away. Time to live them in peace for a bit. 

It was a few weeks after that it happened. 

Michael was invited to spend the weekend at David’s house. Two full days. The Ogundanas were going to pick him up together with David after school and bring him back to the farm on Sunday afternoon. 

Two, full days. 

When Michael had asked, Johnny had looked at Gheorghe. 

He really wanted to say yes straight away. That sweet little friendship was exactly what Michael needed. It was the perfect antidote to the isolation of farm life, which eats at you, little by little. 

But was it too soon? Ok, it had been two years now since Michael came into their lives, but still. 

Gheorghe, silently, took his hand and squeezed. 

Ok, maybe it was going to be ok. 

'It's fine Michael, of course you can go'.

That Friday evening had been a little odd at the farm. Johnny had just gotten so used to the extra place at the table and later to choose something suitably child friendly on the telly that it was so weird not to have to do it. 

But, to be fair, the extra freedom at night, the possibility of a quiet moment with Gheorghe without the fear of being heard by innocent ears was very welcomed. 

Gheorghe, as always, had silently understood what he needed and had let him sink in his body with a warm embrace.

Everything, for a moment, was turning right.

Then Sunday came and David's parents brought Michael back. There were a lot of 'thank yous', 'the boys had a great time’, ‘we should do it again sometime'. Johnny though felt something prickling at the back of his neck. Michael, for as much as he was still smiling and being polite, seemed stiffer and his eyes seemed distant. 

When the Ogundanas drove away, Michael sprinted away towards the house and back into his room as fast as his seven-year-old legs allowed him. 

Johnny and Gheorghe looked at each other for a moment. 

What the hell was going on?

Michael’s door was closed. For as much as he wanted to, they didn’t barge in, but knocked and asked. 

‘Is everything ok?’

No answer. 

‘Michael, we are coming in’ Gheorghe said, his hand already on the handle. 

‘No’.

‘Michael if you don’t’ Johnny started, his tone getting agitated. Gheorghe made him a sign to keep quiet and calm. Johnny glared at him, even if he knew that Gheorghe was right, what was the point of shouting at Michael if he was already upset? 

But Johnny was scared. 

‘Michael, what happened? Is David still your friend?’

‘David is going to have a brother or a sister soon. His mum is pregnant’ Michael finally said, still behind the door. 

Ah. 

Johnny has suspected as much, but the lovely lady hadn’t said as much, and he certainly wasn’t going to ask. 

‘She is nice’ Michael added.

‘Yes, she is’ Gheorghe managed to say. Johnny looked at his husband’s face, and, for as much as his tone was quiet and peaceful as usual, he could see that tension was setting on his face. 

‘David asked me if I have a mum too’. 

Silence. 

What were they going to say to that? What did Michael reply?

‘I didn’t tell him, but I think I used to have a mum’ 

Johnny’s heart started to drum madly in his chest. 

For a moment, Michael’s voice sounded like his own, when he was small, and the world was constantly rejecting him. 

‘But I was too stupid and ugly, and she hated me. That’s why she left’

Gheorghe stopped Johnny right when he was again about to barge in the room. Johnny glared at him and he used up all his willpower not to punch Gheorghe in the face. 

What did Gheorghe want to know about how Michael felt? 

Wait. Remember. He had been abandoned too, by his father. 

And then Michael, his voice cracking up spectacularly, said:

‘She always shouted at me to shut up. I remember a man’s voice, but I don’t know if he was my other dad or not and’

‘Michael, listen to me’ Johnny said, raising his voice. He was vaguely aware of Gheorghe looking at him with a furrowed expression. He took his husband’s hands and gave them a squeeze, but couldn’t cope with the weight of what he was about to do and Gheorghe’s gaze, so he kept his eyes down as he said:

‘I know how you feel’

‘How can you?’

‘My mother left just because she was bored and lonely, even if I was just there, waiting for her to play with me’. 

He took a pause, hoping to make sense of all his thoughts twirling around his mind. 

He hated thinking about that time. He hated thinking about how those painful memories were still there, even though he had tried very hard to suppress them. 

He could do this. He needed to do this. 

‘She just went, and I felt just like you, that it was my fault, that I wasn’t clever enough, that I was too much trouble. Not funny enough, not handsome enough to keep her with me and me dad. But trust me on this. It is not the case. It was not the case for me, and it is not the case for you. This is not going to make sense to you, but it will when you will be an adult. People have many problems. People like your mum, or my mum, have problems of their own, in their mind, and need to sort them out. You didn’t cause those problems and you couldn’t fix them. All you can try to do is to be happy. And we will be there for you to get to that’

He was still looking down at Gheorghe’s hands when the door opened and Michael rushed back to them, trying to hug them both. 

‘Sorry’ he mumbled. 

‘Nothing to be sorry for’ Johnny replied, as Gheorghe put his big hand on Michael’s head as a comforting gesture. 

‘David also asked me how it is to have two dads’ 

‘And what did you say?’ 

‘That it is awesome’


	4. The first day I wasn't selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gheorghe and Michael depart for Romania, to stay with Mariana and her new partner. 
> 
> Johnny stays behind at the farm. 
> 
> For one more night, it's just the three of them, his dad, his nan and himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please,please note this chapter is quite dark. It deals with Martin's passing and the aftermath of it. 
> 
> It is not vital to read this chapter to follow the rest of the story, so if it is a bit too heavy, you can very well skip it. Next chapter will be much lighter.

When they left the farm that early morning, Johnny didn’t feel so bad.

After all, there was nothing to feel bad for, right? 

Yes, ok, Gheorghe and Michael were about to leave for Romania for a week, to spend some quality time with Mariana and to meet her new partner, while he was to stay at the farm because, for as much as they were going towards a quieter season, work never stops on a farm like theirs and they couldn’t really have both of them leaving at the same time as frequently as Johnny would have liked.

But they were coming back. There was nothing to worry about, he told himself, as he looked in the rear-view mirror to see Michael’s sleepyhead reclining against Gheorghe’s body and Gheorghe planting a kiss on top of his head. 

Or was there? 

‘Will you be ok?’ he said, looking away from the mirror as Gheorghe locked eyes with him. 

‘Don’t worry. All will be well' he heard Gheorghe said, in his most peaceful voice. 

He wanted to add that it was Michael’s first flight, and he was still small, way younger than Johnny was on his first trip and...

But he took a deep breath and tried to relax as he drove. 

Looking back, he had been very stupid. 

This was his idea. 

Mariana had even said that they were happy to come back to the UK and visit them at the farm, but he had insisted that Gheorghe should be the one to travel. Between the wedding and the adoption, the only time he had been back to Romania was during his nan’s illness and funeral. Also, Michael was clearly picking up Romanian much faster than Johnny had ever done (no, it hadn’t hurt when Michael and Gheorghe had teamed up to mock him in Romanian- he had understood everything, but the shock of it all had wiped every single word he had learnt out of his mind) so it made sense to introduce him to the country and show him where his dad Gheorghe came from. 

Yes, it made sense, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t sting. 

But they were coming back. 

He didn’t stay long once they arrived at the airport. Somehow, he couldn’t manage to have a little extra breakfast there at the coffee shop at the entrance. He gave a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek to Michael, hugged Gheorghe goodbye and went away. 

He wasn’t one for long goodbyes, for waiting till the very last moment, till the loved one passed through the security checks. He was more for removing the plaster as quickly as possible.

And removing the plaster meant getting back in the car and off to work. 

He could do this. 

That evening, thank goodness, he was so tired to even realise fully how odd it was that they were back to just be the three of them, his dad, nan and him. 

For one, it was much quieter. Nan wasn’t teaching some house hacks to Michael (who blessed his soul always seemed interested, even if he wanted to rush back to drawing, which turned out to be his thing, as much as drawing can be your thing when you are eight). And Gheorghe wasn’t mumbling some quiet song in Romanian as he cooked (Johnny had started picking up one or two, he even knew the words now, but he was never, ever, ever going to sing them out loud). 

Yes, it was quieter, but less quiet than what it used to be when there was just rolling eyes and lips stretched in disapproving smiles. His dad nodded when he helped him with dinner and even told him “thank you”, after his now daily question if everything was ok. 

His nan even made a joke or two about the local butcher who thought was so secretive about his relationships but everybody, and she really meant everybody, knew about his passion with the new local postperson. 

It felt nice. A warm, cosy feeling was spreading all over Johnny. 

If my younger self could see this, he thought, as he helped his nan take the plates back to the kitchen. 

The phone rang as Johnny was turning on the tap to wash the dishes.

‘Come on’ his nan said, moving her head to the side to point at the phone. 

‘You sure?’

‘Move your butt lad, otherwise they may hang up’ she replied. 

Johnny gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and rushed to the phone. 

‘Hello?’

‘Hi dad!’ it was Michael on the other side, his voice thrilling with excitement. 

‘Hi cheeky monkey! How was the flight?’ 

He must have had so much fun, Johnny thought, as he listened to Michael, normally very quiet, go into an incredible amount of details, from the security checks to how fun he thought the departure was while he thought the landing was far too scary. 

‘Next time you should come to, it’s fun’ he said

‘He is scared of airplanes’ 

Hearing Gheorghe’s low voice with a little tinge of amusement made Johnny smile.

‘No, I am not. Tell your dad I am not scared. It’s just that if humans were meant to fly, they would have wings’ Johnny replied

‘There is nothing to fear dad’ Michael said, suddenly sounding a lot more concerned. Gheorghe quietly chuckled in the background. 

‘Anyway, I’m glad you had a nice journey. Can you put your dad on the line?’

‘Sure’ 

Later, he helped his father in the bath. 

‘How’s Michael?’ he asked him. 

‘All good’ Johnny replied, as he busied himself with water and soap. 

‘Gheorghe?’ 

‘All good too. They arrived safe and sound at Mariana's place, you remember Mariana?’

‘Yes. Nice’

They went back to be quiet that evening, but it wasn’t a heavy silence. 

The burdens and the wounds between them had mended. There were still some scars, but nothing they couldn’t, with time, pass over. 

‘You did well’ his father said, suddenly, as Johnny helped him to bed. 

‘The farm is in good hands’ Johnny replied, deflecting. Years ago, he would have said that it was all thanks to Gheorghe. But he was starting to think that it was also his work, and he was proud of it.

‘You did well’ his father replied, struggling a little with some thoughts. 

For a moment, he stared at Johnny.

For a moment, Johnny felt completely naked in front of the man who, more than once, had crashed his feelings without much inhibition. 

‘You did well with Gheorghe and the boy’ he managed to say, struggling a little over Gheorghe’s name but Johnny understood him. 

And, just like that, that fear, that immediate, instinctive reaction he had, waiting for his father’s disapproval, was gone. 

For a moment, Johnny didn’t know what to do. His eyes prickled and his hands felt too big, too strange to move. 

That evening was the first time his dad had openly approved of Gheorghe and Michael. In his heart Johnny had known all along, he had seen his dad smiling at Michael and the quiet respect for Gheorghe as only a seasoned farmer can show.

But, hearing him say it out loud, made something crack inside of Johnny. 

Silently, not trusting his voice, he got closer to his dad and kissed him on the forehead. 

He knew proper Saxby men don’t do things like this.

But he was not just a Saxby man no, was he?

‘Good night dad’ he said, before leaving the room. 

Unfortunately, it was his nan to discover the body the morning after. 

Later, Johnny could only remember clearly her voice shouting for him to come quickly as she cried.

And the strong, physical pain right in his stomach, as if someone had just punched him in the guts. 

Nobody had told him, not even Gheorghe, that when someone you love dies the pain is not mental.

It’s physical. 

After the shock, everything happened far too quickly for Johnny to fully register everything. All went in a bit of a blur, from the doctors, to the paperwork, to the faceless people they contacted in the village to help them sort out everything that needed sorting before the funeral.

Johnny went into autopilot, signing here, paying there. His hands and feet, more than his actual mind, seemed to know exactly what to do as his brain and heart shut down under that weight. He followed his nan, his ever-practical nan, who had pulled herself together and, with an expressionless face, was going through all the motions with perfect grace. 

And then, when all was said and done, there was just quietness. 

And it was right then, that his mind and his heart stopped being silently blank and that physical pain, that whole in his stomach as painful as if he hadn’t eaten in days, reappeared. 

It was only when the two of them, his nan and him, came back to the farm as the evening fell, that he started to realise something. As he opened the door, he expected to see his father on his chair, sitting by the window, or maybe watching telly with Iolanda’s cover on his legs or shoulders. 

But he wasn’t there. 

Maybe he is just in his room, a part of him thought. 

He lowered his head a little as he clenched his fists. 

No, he is not in another room, because he died last night. 

It was peaceful at least, he thought in an attempt to stop his thoughts from spiralling. 

Keep to the practical, he told himself. That’s what Gheorghe would do. 

And the first practical thing he thought about was to look after his nan, make sure she was comfortable. 

That night was not going to be pleasant. 

‘Should I make us something to eat?’ he said, even though his stomach revolted at the idea of eating anything. He had tried to down a cup of tea at the hospital’s cafe and it had only made him want to puke. 

Deirdre patted him on the shoulder but avoided looking directly in his eyes. 

‘I am not hungry Johnny’ she said, heading for the living room. 

Johnny for a moment didn’t move. 

He could go and have a bath and then to bed as his body felt exhausted. 

And yet, that was scary. 

No, no, busy yourself, go and clean the kitchen or something. 

One step at a time. 

His mind went back to be pleasantly empty, as, thank god, he found some dishes in the sink. And the surfaces were a little dusty, with a spot of tomato near the cooker. 

And the pavement could do with a spruce. 

And, as it was at it, maybe he could also go and clean Michael’s room, making sure it was as nice as he could get before their return. 

When he was done with that too, he thought he could also have a look at his own room, Gheorghe sure would have liked nice clean sheets and a dusting here and there. 

But Johnny stood there and didn’t enter. 

Gheorghe, he thought. Why hadn’t he called him yet? Any normal person would have called his significant other to tell them about something like this. He had even called Robyn already for fuck sake, but he hadn’t called Gheorghe in Romania yet. 

He knew that, the moment he would have told him what happened, the moment Johnny would have admitted to himself more than to his husband that his dad had just died, Gheorghe would have moved his flight back to the earliest available one to come back to him. 

Even if there was nothing to do. 

Even if the funeral was only in a week's time, enough for Gheorghe and Michael to come back. 

Because Gheorghe was like that, a quiet, strong presence in his life, always there to shine a light. 

But, this time, Johnny didn’t want him to be there. This time, Johnny didn’t want to be selfish and always claim, claim and claim. He wanted the two of them to have a nice time and bond, there was going to be time for grief later. 

He could do this. 

He went downstairs one more time to check on his nan. 

For a moment, all his resolutions went down the drain as he saw his nan, his strong, practical nan, sitting on the sofa, staring at a turned off television. She was wrapped up in his dad’s knitted cover. 

She looked very small and frail. 

‘Nan?’

She seemed to shake herself out of it and turned to look at Johnny, her eyes glassy under the electric light of the lightbulb.

‘Anything I can do?’ he asked, surprising himself to be able to speak. 

‘No, lad. Go to sleep, I will see you in the morning’

‘Aye’ he replied, praying to a god he didn’t believe in that that was going to be the case. 

One step at a time. 

Without even thinking twice about it, he changed into Gheorghe’s pyjama, putting Gheorghe’s red sweater on top, the one that, ever since that fateful day in Scotland, Gheorghe always left behind. 

It was old now, and probably it was time to throw it away, but Johnny had told him more than once that he was going to divorce him if he even dared. 

He wrapped himself in the duvet and rolled to Gheorghe’s part of the bed. He could feel the indentations that Gheorghe’s body had made in the mattress. He tried to close his eyes and fall asleep, but his thoughts didn’t give him any peace.

His father was dead. 

The father he loved. The father he had hated. 

The father he had barely known. The father he was now never going to talk to. 

Silently, biting his lower lip in an attempt to stop himself from making any noise, he cried himself to sleep. 

The day after the silence was deafening. They said good morning to each other, his nan and him, and went through all the motions expected of them. But not a word was spoken more than necessary. 

Yet, having breakfast together, even if in silence, helped. 

That evening, to his surprise, Robyn appeared at their door around dinner time with a huge casserole dish covered in tin foil. 

He didn’t say a word, but his expression must have been confused enough for her to smile and say:  
‘I thought you could both use my famous lasagne’ 

In normal times, Johnny would have teased her saying that it wasn’t famous, that it was only made barely edible by the huge amount of mature cheddar she put on top and the little bits of bacon hidden here and there. But, that evening, he managed to smile back as his eyes prickled and his voice died in his chest. 

He let her through.

He heard her say “good evening” to Deirdre as she started to set the table for three, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. 

The food was great. 

When was the last time he had eaten something?

The usually chatty and enthusiastic Robyn limited herself to say a few things about how things were going with her job and how she was about to make an offer on a new place for herself. 

Johnny didn’t tell her, but the distraction was welcomed. 

Deirdre excused herself after finishing her food. 

‘Thank you very much dear’ she said, disappearing back to her room. 

For a moment, Robyn and Johnny sat silently at the table, before Robyn went to the fridge and grabbed a couple of beers. She opened them both, passed one to Johnny and lifted the one in her hand.

Johnny copied her and she clanked the cans together saying: 

‘To Martin’ 

Johnny didn’t say anything. He just nodded as he took one, long sip. 

‘Have you called Gheorghe?’ she said. 

‘No’

‘Why not?’

‘They will come back soon anyway. They will be here in time for the funeral’ 

‘But what about you?’

‘What about me?’ he asked, frowning. This had nothing to do with him. This had everything to do with his dead father and protecting the two people he loved most in the whole world. If he could give them a few more days of happiness, he was going to do that. 

Even if it meant excavating even further the whole in his chest. 

‘You need Gheorghe back here’ 

‘No, I don’t’ 

‘I don’t understand you, Johnny boy. You have someone who loves you more than anything else, he will want to be here for you’

‘Don’t you think I know that?’ he hissed, hoping that Robyn would stop this. She had been a godsend, for sure, he really appreciated the lasagne, it was good for both his nan and himself to see someone.

But he didn’t need that intervention. 

‘Come’ she said, standing up. 

‘What?’

‘Come, trust me’ she replied. 

He was too tired to object and stood up, following her to the couch.

He let her hug him tight. 

He buried his face in the crook of her neck.

When he woke up, he was on the couch, his father’s cover wrapped around him. The sun was up already. How late was it?

Whatever, it was probably very late, but he needed to sleep. He shook himself away, dragging his body to the kitchen for a cup of tea, making a mental note to thank Robyn later.

He worked with a little bit less vigour today, trying his best to give himself a break, only intensifying activities when his thoughts would steer in a difficult direction. 

And then, when he got back for dinner, he heard the phone ringing. 

They were calling.

Damn you. 

‘Hello?’ he managed to say.

‘Hi dad!’ Michael’s voice on the other end of the line. 

He brought his hand to cover his mouth. He wanted to scream. At the sweet sound of Michael’s voice, he wanted to tell them both to come to him immediately. 

Don’t be selfish. 

‘Dad?’

‘How are you, cheeky monkey?’ he said, hoping that his voice didn’t sound as strained as he thought it was. 

‘All good. It has been a fun day. Grandma brought us to see the town. It’s very nice’

‘I am glad’ 

‘Are you ok dad?’ 

Johnny smiled as his eyes prickled even further. 

How the hell was his son so perceptive?

‘All good little one. I am happy you had a nice time. But I am looking forward to see you back’ 

‘Should I pass you dad?’

No. 

Yes, please. 

‘Come on then. See you soon and say hi to your grandma’ he said, trying to sound as cheery as he could. 

But, as he heard noises in the background, he heard Michael said to Gheorghe:

‘I think there is something wrong with dad’. 

‘John?’ Gheorghe said. 

‘You alright?’ Johnny said. Why the hell could he never do nonchalant?

‘Is everything ok? Michael said there is’ 

‘All is under control, it’s ok’

‘John’

‘I am just a little tired. You know, two people’s job on one set of shoulders’ he said, trying to smile.

Then he realised that that sounded wrong on a completely different level. 

Please, please understand me, he thought. He didn’t mean to sound as if he was complaining about the work. He didn’t mean to throw back at Gheorghe’s face the offer he had made. 

It had been his idea. And he was standing by it. 

‘You will tell me what’s wrong when you are ready, yes?’ Gheorghe said, his voice much more serious than before. 

Johnny smiled for real this time. Gheorghe always knew when he needed time and space. 

‘Yes’ 

‘We are coming back soon, can you hold on?’ 

‘Yes’ he said, when he meant “hopefully”. He started to fiddle with the cord of the phone as he hoped Gheorghe wasn’t about to say goodbye. 

‘Tell me about your day. Where did you bring Michael?’

And Gheorghe talked. And talked. Which was unusual, he wasn’t the most talkative of people, but the sound of his voice, and the pictures he was drawing of the two of them following Mariana to all the best spot in town helped him relax. 

He was also happy to hear that Gheorghe seemed to like her new partner. 

‘I think I might need to go. Michael needs to go to sleep’ 

‘Give him a hug from me’ 

‘Of course. Good night John’

‘Good night’ 

That night, as he made himself small on Gheorghe’s side of the bed, the pain in his stomach reappeared, making it difficult to breathe. 

But the tears didn’t flow. 

Good night dad.


	5. Interlude- Gheorghe is back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gheorghe and Michael come back from their trip. 
> 
> Johnny needs to tell them the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies everybody. It seems that I have a big problem: I like very much to torture Johnny, so I am going back on my promise for a lighter chapter after the dark one I posted yesterday (the lighter one should be posted on Sunday anyway). 
> 
> Enjoy! Do let me know what you think :)

Johnny arrived at the airport far too early, partly because he just wanted to leave the farm for a little while, partly because he wanted to be extra sure to be there in time to see Michael and Gheorghe appear out of the sliding doors of the international arrivals. He wanted to see them search for him amongst all the faces and wanted to see them smile as they finally saw his waving figure. 

Not that he felt particularly in a waving mood. 

How on earth was he going to approach the subject of his dad’s passing? 

Was Michael old enough to deal with this? God, how he wished he could shield him further from this. 

And then a more terrifying thought creeped in his mind.

How angry was Gheorghe going to get? 

He wasn’t sure, he thought as he walked around a little, since it was still quite early. Gheorghe didn’t get angry often, certainly not as often as Johnny did, but, when there was a reason, a real, gut wrenching reason, he could be incredibly fearsome. If Johnny closed his eyes he could still picture when Gheorghe had pushed him against the car, his closed fist so ready to punch him right in the face. 

Which he would have deserved. He still didn’t understand why Gheorghe didn’t do it. 

God, if he had been in Gheorghe’s shoes, he would have been furious at being kept in the dark. 

For as much as he thought that he had taken his decision and he was still sticking by it, his stomach was keeping on revolting around itself. He got it, he was hungry, and yet, at the same time, eating had something revolting about it. Maybe after the funeral tomorrow, when the big thing was all done, maybe then he was going to have a proper meal. 

Could he ask Robyn to make another lasagne?

Suddenly someone rather short grabbed him from behind, making him jump out of his skin. 

‘Told you it was going to work’ 

Gheorghe’s voice. 

He turned around and found Michael wrapped around his legs, smiling. 

‘Hi dad’ he said

‘Hi kid’ he said, swallowing down the crack opening in his chest. He knelt and hugged him tight. 

‘I can’t breathe’ 

‘Sorry, sorry’ Johnny replied, loosening up the hug a little, but not letting go of Michael, not yet anyway. For a moment, the simple presence of his son seemed to heal a little that hole in his chest. 

‘John?’ 

When Gheorghe’s voice reached him, it had a hint of worry in it. 

Damn you Gheorghe, damn you and your sensitivity. 

Johnny didn’t lift his eyes to his husband.

You have taken your decision for them and you stand by it. 

Keep it together Saxby. 

‘How was the journey?’ he asked Michael, hoping the child didn’t feel his body starting to shake a little. 

‘Fine, fine. It was fun, there was a storm as we passed some mountains and we went up and down a bit’ 

‘Sound like fun’ 

‘We have some presents for you, grandad and nan’ Michael said, disentangling himself from the hug to go and grab the tote bag Gheorghe was carrying. Michael called Deirdre nan, because she said she was far too young to be called great grandma. 

A present for grandad. 

Time to take the plaster off. 

‘Unfortunately, something has happened while you were away’ he said, standing up. 

He kept his eyes on Michael.

He was distantly aware of Gheorghe’s gaze boring a hole in his skull. 

Please don’t look at me like that. 

‘Grandad died’ 

Michael looked at him, bending his head to the side as he studied Johnny carefully. 

Did he understand? Did he know what it meant?

When a few, silent tears started rolling down his cheeks, Johnny felt the defence wall he had raised around his heart that morning crumble brick by brick. 

I am sorry. I am sorry. I have tried to keep you from this as much as I could. 

I have failed at protecting you. 

He knelt back down and opened his arms, letting Michael slip through and hugged him again as his little body shook silently. He never made a sound. 

‘John’ Gheorghe said. 

Don’t call me. 

Don’t talk to me. 

I am barely keeping it together as it is.

And you are the only person in the world that can destroy all my defences. 

When Michael had calmed down a little, Johnny stood up, stretching his hand to Michael to head out together. 

Accidentally, he met Gheorghe’s eyes. 

Gheorghe was staring at him, his eyes wide in shock. 

He saw Gheorghe take a step closer to him, stretching his hand to Johnny.

No, no, no, don’t touch me.

Automatically, Johnny took a step away from him and, trying to distract himself from the bewildered, frowning expression on Gheorghe’s face, he said: 

‘Let’s go home. I think Grandma has something nice eat for lunch’ 

They got to the car, Michael jumping in the back and Gheorghe took the passenger seat next to Johnny. 

Nobody said a word. 

But Gheorghe’s eyes were not leaving him a moment, looking at him as he started the car, as he changed gear, as he swore to the driver that cut in front of him. 

Help me. 

But the silence, for a protective as it could be, wasn’t going to protect him long. 

When they arrived at the farm, Gheorghe put a warm, big hand on Michael’s shoulder and said:

‘Why don’t you go forward and give a cuddle to your nan? Your dad and I need to have a word’ 

Johnny saw Michael nod and rush forward inside the house. His son was much too perceptive for his own good. 

‘John’ 

Johnny’s legs were shaking.

But he didn’t answer. 

‘John, look at me’ 

‘I can’t’ he heard himself say. 

God, fuck, what a pathetic mess you are Johnny Saxby. 

He stood there, the shakes taking over his whole body. 

It was so cold.

He only heard Gheorghe move to him. He only heard him as Gheorghe passed his warm arms around him, in a tight embrace. 

Gheorghe was always so warm.

Johnny’s body then moved, grabbing Gheorghe’s jumper under his hands. 

I am so glad you are back. 

He hid his face in Gheorghe’s chest. 

Gheorghe moved his hand to Johnny’s head. 

‘I got you’ Gheorghe whispered gently in his ear.

Gheorghe understood.   
Gheorghe wasn’t angry. 

‘I got you. You will be ok’

Gheorghe was back. 

For the first time since that fateful day, Johnny thought that maybe, with time, he was going to be ok.


	6. The first day I panicked for nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny notices some slight changes in Michael's behaviour. 
> 
> But there is nothing to worry about, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have managed to make my OC extremely annoying. But well, some changes are a little difficult, aren't they? 
> 
> Please enjoy this little piece of domestic fluff.

Looking back, Johnny should have really paid more attention to the first signs available to him. 

First, Michael drawings were getting much, much darker. 

Like, scary dark. 

Right after his twelfth birthday, Johnny found Michael’s sketch pad abandoned on the sofa, still open on the last page Michael had been working on. Johnny picked it up, before Deirdre could come in and start complaining about how the house was always a mess. Then his gaze fell on the page, even though Michael had made them promise not to look at his sketches unless he had given express permission. Johnny moved the pad in each direction he could think about, trying to make sense of it, but to no avail. 

Most of the page was covered in angry looking scrawls, with jagged lines intertwining each other. 

Only at the bottom left of the page, there was a recognisable shape, that of a human face even though it was barely there, it just had two eyes and a nose. No mouth. For a moment, Johnny thought that that mass of lines above maybe were the thoughts of the human face, maybe it was some kind of cartoon or something. But the face was also scribbled out. 

Maybe Michael had just gotten fed up with that “alternative” piece of art and was going back to his more joyous pieces.

Maybe. 

Johnny managed to put the pad back on the table right before Michael entered the room. 

‘You alright?’ Johnny asked. 

Michael replied only with a nod, then he noticed the pad on the side. 

‘Did you look at my sketches?’ Michael said, frowning. 

‘Of course not. I know the rules’ Johnny replied, lying his face off, hoping with all his might that Michael was not going to sniff the truth ( the vivid image of Gheorghe laughing at him in the privacy of their bedroom came back to him, from that time when his husband mocked him following Michael clear understanding that Johnny was lying about how good broccoli are)

Silently, Michael took the pad, sent him another glacial stare, and scuttled away. 

There was also that time that Deirdre had reported Michael’s room being covered in confetti made of torn apart pieces from the same sketch pad but that was another point. 

Johnny and Gheorghe then made a point of going into the village, entering for the first time in the fanciest art supply shop available and spent far too much in nice supplies that they then left in Michael’s room while he was at school. 

Later, after dinner, Michael slipped a note through their door with a simple “Thank you” written on it, and a nice smiley face. 

‘Do we need to worry about this?’ Johnny had asked, as they retired to bed. 

‘No’ Gheorghe replied, with a yawn. 

Secondly, a few months later, Michael suddenly refused to help on the farm when he was not busy with school. He had always loved to help with the mini tasks that Johnny and Gheorghe gave him, but, on a normal, surprisingly sunny day in mid-March, he point-blank refused.

‘What is going on with you?’ Johnny replied, fully aware of his altered voice, but he could tell that Michael raised volume and violent throwing of tools on the ground had freaked the cows out, and, just as once Gheorghe had told him, it wasn’t the cows fault. 

‘Nothing’ Michael replied, possibly irking Johnny even more. 

‘Michael, spit it out, come on, has something happened at school?’ Johnny replied. He was tired that afternoon, the sudden heat didn’t help his mood and Gheorghe was away. Not a good time, but if Michael wanted to complain about that kid, Will or something, he could do it. 

Just do it and then go back to work, he thought. 

For a moment, Johnny stopped in his tracks. 

God, that sentence sounded exactly like his father’s.

‘Why does there have to be something wrong with me? It’s everything else that is shite’ Michael replied, looking straight at him, a challenge in his eyes “what are you going to do now that I insulted your precious farm?”

Just like he once did. 

Johnny, at that point, laughed. 

‘It’s not funny’ Michael said, his fist clenching.

‘No, no it’s not’ Johnny replied, trying to reign it in and take a more serious stanza. And yet, it just couldn’t help to laugh at the irony of what was happening in front of him: he was suddenly in his late father’s shoes. 

Shame, really, that he was too late to understand maybe a little more why he had behaved the way he had behaved. 

‘I am aware that this might seem strange coming from me, but if you don’t tell me what is wrong, in your own terms, I can’t help you. I am here though, you know that’ 

‘What’s the point, you can’t change it anyway’ Michael replied, crossing his arms to his chest and hiding his hands in his armpits. 

‘Try me’ Johnny replied. 

He had vowed his help before. He was going to do it again. 

Michael looked away, his jaw moving a little forward as it shook in anger before his son finally said:

‘David’s family is going away for spring break. They are going to Disneyland in Paris for a weekend’

‘Oh, nice’ Johnny replied.

Disneyland Paris. Tourist trap. Lots of money. 

Ok, these days maybe they could afford it much more than when Johnny was a kid, but still. 

It was not going to happen.

‘Yes. Nice. We never go anywhere’ Michael said, emphasizing “we” quite heavily.

‘You have been to Romania a few times now’ Johnny replied, setting himself back to work again, hoping that the normality of the gesture could help escalate things.

‘Yes, to see grandma and grandpa, big deal’ Michael replied, rolling his eyes as he still stood there, not doing anything productive.

‘I thought you liked going’ Johnny stopped again. Clearly, his strategy wasn’t working. 

He had to work hard to prevent himself from saying “at your age I would have loved to have travelled so many times”. 

‘I love going’ Michael said, and, at least on that point, Johnny could see the honesty shining on his face as a little, quiet smile in pure Gheorghe style appeared on his face. 

He was always astonished by how many mannerisms Michael had picked up from either Gheorghe or Johnny himself. 

He might have not been their son by blood. But he was their son in all other way that counted. 

‘But it’s getting boring. Plus, we never get to go anywhere the three of us’ 

That stung a little. 

A part of Johnny would have liked the sound of that, so much, just maybe a long weekend somewhere nice. Was Blackpool still a nice destination? He heard that Bexhill, near Hastings, was a nice, seaside town. At that point, every time he thought about maybe joining Robyn in her escapades there with her boyfriend, he always stopped himself. 

For the life of his he was not going to the south coast to spend a holiday. 

He was not going to surround himself with a bunch of southern wussies. 

Oh god. He was really turning into a grumpy old man. 

‘My friends find it weird’ Michael added, in a murmur. Shame was starting to colour his cheeks red. 

‘Which friends?’ Johnny asked, because sure as hell David was not the type to make fun of Michael. Those two were just too inseparable to let something like that between them. 

‘People at school’ Michael said, avoiding Johnny’s eyes. 

Johnny suppressed the immediate worry about these “people”. Was Michael starting to hang out with the wrong sort of people? He had heard about things like this, but…

Focus Saxby, focus. 

‘I thought we talked about how you shouldn’t really pay attention to what people say’.

To give Michael his due, he had always faced up to that challenge, from having two dads to having one that was not originally British. 

And yet, suddenly, all that courage he had shown when he was seven, seemed to have disappeared. 

‘I know, I know’ Michael replied, rolling his eyes at him. 

God, had he been so irritating when he was his age? 

Calm down Saxby, it’s the heat, he told himself. 

‘And you know why we can’t necessarily do what others might do, right? But it’s not necessarily bad, right?’ 

‘No. It’s not’ Michael said. He finally looked a little calmer, looking down at his shoes. For a moment, all energy seemed to have left him, but then he lifted his eyes again and burst out:

‘Anyway, whatever. It’s this place’s fault. Such a stupid trap’ he said, before running away. 

That night, with the lights turned off, Johnny told Gheorghe what had happened.

‘Don’t worry. The Ogundanas have invited Michael to go with them. They say that David has insisted he wanted Michael with them’ Gheorghe said, his head already on the pillow and both his hands under.

For a moment, the two of them look at each other in silence. 

‘How do you know?’ Johnny said, frowning. He didn’t remember any calls that day, unless Deirdre had gotten one and then forgot to pass the message. 

Which had happened before. 

But he didn’t have the physical energy to worry about too many things all at once. 

‘Because David’s dad called me and ask if it was ok for Michael to go and I said yes’ 

‘Why did he call you?’ Johnny said, not even trying to hide his surprise. 

‘Shouldn’t you be more concerned that I took that decision without talking to you first?’ Gheorghe said, without batting an eyelid. 

‘No, because I would have said the same anyway. And, don’t change the topic. They have the house number, why did he call you on your mobile?’

‘Because I am clearly the more approachable one’ Gheorghe said. If he thought that the darkness was hiding his little, satisfied smirk, well, he thought wrong. 

‘What? How are you more approachable?’ 

‘Well, I don’t look at any stranger coming on the farm with murder in my eyes’ 

‘I don’t’ 

He was about to say that no, he didn’t do that, when Gheorghe took both his hands and gave them a little squeeze. 

‘Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that Michael has a good friend and he is going to have a good time’ 

Johnny nodded. 

‘So, just to check, we shouldn’t be worried about these strange, new anger bouts he seems to have?’

‘No, don’t worry’.

Last but not least, after a year of dealing with Michael’s occasional tantrums, there was the porn magazine they found in Michael’s room, while helping Deirdre around the house. 

‘Is this what I think it is?’ Johnny said, flipping through the pages filled up with semi and fully naked ladies, and to be fair also chaps, which, among the rising embarrassment, led him to think that it was nice to see inclusivity becoming a thing even in such magazines. 

He looked up at Gheorghe and they both laughed, if a little bit nervously. 

‘He is just fourteen, how the hell did he get a magazine like this?’ Johnny asked. 

‘Probably at school’

‘See, told you that that school was a den of iniquity. It was like that when I was a kid and it still is. Church of England standards my ass’ Johnny replied, as he felt his cheeks getting warmer. 

God, he had done and tried the worst things when it came down to sex and bodies and yet, in the purest of British styles, he was finding talking about this the most embarrassing of situations. 

‘Anyway, I did tell you that his moods were nothing to worry about’ 

‘What do you mean?’ Johnny replied, trying to focus through the fog enveloping his mind. 

‘Michael has reached puberty’ Gheorghe said, naturally. 

Well, it was the most natural thing in the world, right?

And yet, it seemed to strange. 

Johnny felt his eyes growing wide. He flicked through the magazine one more time as the gears in his brain turned around and around and around...till they got to the ultimate, extremely unpleasant thought. 

He lifted his gaze up again and said:

‘Wait, do we need to give him the talk already?’

‘It might be necessary’ Gheorghe said gravely. Gravely except for the little, barely-there upturn of his lips. 

There was something cheeky on his mind, Johnny just knew it. 

‘You do it’ 

‘No, I am already the approachable one. You can do this bit’ 

‘Wait what? I am not the sciency guy or whatever’ Johnny replied, as Gheorghe smiled and just left. 

Damn you Ionescu, you are having fun, aren’t you?

God. What was he going to tell him? The Bird and the bees? He couldn’t really remember how it had gone for him. He couldn’t imagine his dad really doing anything. Had his nan given him the talk?

Whatever had happened in Johnny’s case, that was so long ago, and teens these days knew a lot more, right?  
It proved difficult to find a quiet moment to approach the topic, but, one evening, as Deirdre had retired already and Gheorghe was doing the dishes, Johnny asked Michael:  
‘Michael, are you aware of’  
‘Of what?’ Michael said, immediately seizing the opportunity as Johnny’s voice died in his chest.  
‘Of how babies are made?’ Johnny managed to push out.  
‘Yes, we covered that in school’ Michael said, shaking his head slightly, as if to say “so what?”  
‘Ah, ok, good, good. You are far too young for any of these, but, well, did you cover also how to avoid making babies? And also, all sort of other issues that’  
‘Dad, breathe. And to answer your question, yes. Please don’t take out of a cucumber or something. David’s mother has already done all sorts of explanations with a banana and has traumatised my friend for life’  
Johnny laughed.  
‘Ok, no trauma for you then’ he said, rubbing his hand in Michael’s hair and earing himself a squeal. 

Maybe, with a bit of luck, he was going to have a few more years of peace and quiet.


End file.
